Saturday, November 17, 2007
Why do I do this to myself???
I've seen A Walk To Remember before. I knew what was in store for me tonight when I started watching it. And it started getting really sad, and I started boohooing, and then it got even sadder, and I'm just sitting here alone bawling my eyes out, and then the sadness continues, and I knew that it would, because I know how it ends. Yet I continue to torture myself sitting here, watching all the sadness, doing the ugly cry that's really noisy. My neighbors can probably hear me wailing. Well, that's an exaturation, but it is loud. Hope your evening has been less dramatic. The commercial is over now, gotta get back to my sad movie, so that I can watch her die in the end.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Pictures of the Glasses
Glasses I have yet to step or sit on.
Glasses I stepped on last year (or maybe it was 2 yrs ago now).
This is the pair I stepped on this morning.Broken
I stepped on my glasses this morning. For some reason when I got done reading my Bible last night, I put it down on the floor next to my bed and put my glasses on top instead of putting them both on the nightstand on the other side of my bed. And I guess I must not have actually gotten my glasses on top of my Bible b/c they were definitely on the floor when I stepped on them. I heard a popping sound and looked down to see my glasses under my foot. My heart sank. Luckily the lense wasn't broken, and now, finally this afternoon after much struggle I have managed to get the lense back in the frame (and I'm wearing my glasses at this very moment) but I can't get the frames to straighten out. So the good part is that I can still use them to see. The bad part is, I cannot use them to look attractive b/c they are sitting lopsided on my face. Oh well, at least they're just for reading. But I did this very thing to a pair of glasses last year! When will I ever learn?! I do still have a non crooked pair, but they're not as strong as the others.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
hhhmmmm
I went to church on Sunday. The worship was good. The message was good. Communion was good. It was a diverse church. People were friendly. And then they talked about a special offereing they wanted to do in 2 weeks for the following:
$5000 for a missionary
$5000 for a new stage lighting system including spotlights
$15,000 to pave the parking lot
I'm glad the missionary was included and sad that the missionary is worth the same as the spot lights and less than the parking lot.
You rarely hear about a random special offering for the starving children. What if we put that up there with the other offering stuff?
what would it look like?
$0 for the starving people
$0 for the people that need clothes
$0 for the people that need shelter
$15,000 for the parking lot
Doesn't sound as good when you add in the $0 stuff. I know a lot of people that would argue with me on this point and rationalize the point and I think I understand that opposite view, BUT I still can't get the $0 out of my head for the starving people. Sure the new spotlights would be cool, and it would fix the current problem of not being able to see the giant screens very well that have the power points... BUT that's the point! The more crap we buy, the more we "need" and the more we have to spend in order to maintain what we have.
I see it in my own life too. The more stuff I get, the more consumed I get with preserving it, the more I feel like I need to update x,y, and z. And then I need to find a place to store my things. I need a bigger place to store my crap. They need shelter and I need shelter for my stuff. I NEED it. They need food, but I need my things.
The thing is, I'm so tempted everyday to be self-indulgent and most of the time I'm failing miserably in my effort to resist this temptation. So, when I go to church and they talk about all the improvements they want to make to the building, because it will make them be able to reach out to others and serve the Lord better, it upsets me. it's just another form of self-indulgence under the guise of serving the Lord, it burns me up. Every church I've visited for an extended period of time here has had some improvement project for their building. It's a lot of time, money and effort, and why are we kidding ourselves about why we're doing it. It's not for others, it's for ourselves.
The people that don't know Jesus are not out there starving for a cool building, lighting sytem, parking lot, etc. They're starving for love. They're starving for relationships. They're starving for community that comes in Christ. They're starving for freedom and redemption in HIM. I know we can do come cool outreach things with a building, but... but. ... i think we could do some really cool outreach things without a building, like forming real relationships. Making worship personal. Making community real.
$5000 for a missionary
$5000 for a new stage lighting system including spotlights
$15,000 to pave the parking lot
I'm glad the missionary was included and sad that the missionary is worth the same as the spot lights and less than the parking lot.
You rarely hear about a random special offering for the starving children. What if we put that up there with the other offering stuff?
what would it look like?
$0 for the starving people
$0 for the people that need clothes
$0 for the people that need shelter
$15,000 for the parking lot
Doesn't sound as good when you add in the $0 stuff. I know a lot of people that would argue with me on this point and rationalize the point and I think I understand that opposite view, BUT I still can't get the $0 out of my head for the starving people. Sure the new spotlights would be cool, and it would fix the current problem of not being able to see the giant screens very well that have the power points... BUT that's the point! The more crap we buy, the more we "need" and the more we have to spend in order to maintain what we have.
I see it in my own life too. The more stuff I get, the more consumed I get with preserving it, the more I feel like I need to update x,y, and z. And then I need to find a place to store my things. I need a bigger place to store my crap. They need shelter and I need shelter for my stuff. I NEED it. They need food, but I need my things.
The thing is, I'm so tempted everyday to be self-indulgent and most of the time I'm failing miserably in my effort to resist this temptation. So, when I go to church and they talk about all the improvements they want to make to the building, because it will make them be able to reach out to others and serve the Lord better, it upsets me. it's just another form of self-indulgence under the guise of serving the Lord, it burns me up. Every church I've visited for an extended period of time here has had some improvement project for their building. It's a lot of time, money and effort, and why are we kidding ourselves about why we're doing it. It's not for others, it's for ourselves.
The people that don't know Jesus are not out there starving for a cool building, lighting sytem, parking lot, etc. They're starving for love. They're starving for relationships. They're starving for community that comes in Christ. They're starving for freedom and redemption in HIM. I know we can do come cool outreach things with a building, but... but. ... i think we could do some really cool outreach things without a building, like forming real relationships. Making worship personal. Making community real.
Friday, October 26, 2007
HIV, Jesus, and Love
I just got done emailing a friend, and I realized that I had used my email to him to unload the kind of thing I normally unload on my blog. So, I'm going to put it here too.
I really enjoy my HIV class b/c it's full of people pumped up about tackling a hard problem like me. It's really nice to be around other people that care about the HIV/AIDS epidemic, that want to talk about it... b/c nobody really wants to hear about it b/c it's depressing. It's kind of like a support group too, b/c we get to recognize together that it IS depressing and it does get hard reading about it after a while, b/c the problem just seems so big and overwhelming. What I don't like about the group is that I get the feeling that I might be the only Christian in there. It was really saddening today, and I get so embarrassed by how culture has twisted Christianity and that many people call themselves Christians and the only thing they might get riled up about is maybe not wanting schools to distribute birth control pills and condoms instead of getting riled up about social justice and doing something about it. this used to bother me while living in the south, b/c i would think about all the people in need that needed to be served and the majority of church goers weren't doing anything. now it bothers me for the that same reason PLUS the fact that it's not a good witness b/c out here people don't claim to be christians and not only that, they don't like christians as a group. like you can actually feel animosity radiating off of them occasionally. and now, the inactivity of christians (or their activity in what i consider to be not so important areas) has totally distorted people's view of christianity. These people here don't know the compassionate Jesus that loved the "rejects of society," that went against social norms and talked to a samaritan woman or stood up for a woman accused of adultery. They don't know the man that said, look you might be "righteous" and follow all the laws but you don't have any compassion and so you have it all wrong. they don't know the man that was infinitely concerned about the "least of these", and they don't know this man's disciples. All they see are christian teachers of the law that are caught up in self righteousness and dont have compassion. when they think christian, they don't associate it with giving, caring, loving... and that made me so sad today listening to people in my class... i didnt know what i wanted to say until after the discussion had passed... even then, they had never said anything truly overtly against christianity and so it would have been awkward for me to start "preaching." i mean, it was the middle of class and we were talking about America's involvement in HIV/AIDS treatment and prevention abroad. It finally lead to christianity b/c Bush claims Christianity and he's the one that's pushing the ABC program, which is abstinence, being faithful, and use condoms... but the program places a lot more emphasis on the first 2, which i believe in, but i believe in equal emphasis on the condom part too for lots of reasons i'm not going to type now. so. the class was very disheartening.
i just wanted them to know that the Way of Jesus is a radical way of LOVE. and yeah, there's things we do and we don't do, but it's in love. because we love God and because we love others.
I really enjoy my HIV class b/c it's full of people pumped up about tackling a hard problem like me. It's really nice to be around other people that care about the HIV/AIDS epidemic, that want to talk about it... b/c nobody really wants to hear about it b/c it's depressing. It's kind of like a support group too, b/c we get to recognize together that it IS depressing and it does get hard reading about it after a while, b/c the problem just seems so big and overwhelming. What I don't like about the group is that I get the feeling that I might be the only Christian in there. It was really saddening today, and I get so embarrassed by how culture has twisted Christianity and that many people call themselves Christians and the only thing they might get riled up about is maybe not wanting schools to distribute birth control pills and condoms instead of getting riled up about social justice and doing something about it. this used to bother me while living in the south, b/c i would think about all the people in need that needed to be served and the majority of church goers weren't doing anything. now it bothers me for the that same reason PLUS the fact that it's not a good witness b/c out here people don't claim to be christians and not only that, they don't like christians as a group. like you can actually feel animosity radiating off of them occasionally. and now, the inactivity of christians (or their activity in what i consider to be not so important areas) has totally distorted people's view of christianity. These people here don't know the compassionate Jesus that loved the "rejects of society," that went against social norms and talked to a samaritan woman or stood up for a woman accused of adultery. They don't know the man that said, look you might be "righteous" and follow all the laws but you don't have any compassion and so you have it all wrong. they don't know the man that was infinitely concerned about the "least of these", and they don't know this man's disciples. All they see are christian teachers of the law that are caught up in self righteousness and dont have compassion. when they think christian, they don't associate it with giving, caring, loving... and that made me so sad today listening to people in my class... i didnt know what i wanted to say until after the discussion had passed... even then, they had never said anything truly overtly against christianity and so it would have been awkward for me to start "preaching." i mean, it was the middle of class and we were talking about America's involvement in HIV/AIDS treatment and prevention abroad. It finally lead to christianity b/c Bush claims Christianity and he's the one that's pushing the ABC program, which is abstinence, being faithful, and use condoms... but the program places a lot more emphasis on the first 2, which i believe in, but i believe in equal emphasis on the condom part too for lots of reasons i'm not going to type now. so. the class was very disheartening.
i just wanted them to know that the Way of Jesus is a radical way of LOVE. and yeah, there's things we do and we don't do, but it's in love. because we love God and because we love others.
Monday, October 08, 2007
1 Year
One year and seven days ago I moved to San Francisco. One year and five days ago I was wondering what in the world I was doing here and whether or not I should run back to the South. One year and 4 days ago I was feeling better about the situation (finding an apartment helped). One year ago today marks my official hire date, and one year ago tomorrow marks my first day at work.
This year has been so different for me in so many ways. Being a grown-up is pretty hard work. Plus I moved to a completely different place very far away from home with a very different culture. I learned how to use public transportation. I started my job as a nurse, which is when the learning really begins. I learned how to switch back and forth between night shift and day shift every 4 weeks. I learned that I am week and need support and to be spiritually fed. I learned what it feels like to miss church on Sundays about twice a month because I had to work. I learned what it feels like not to have a church home.
Praise God that year is over!
There were good times too. I think San Francisco is a really neat city, and it's really weird. There are things that I see here that I assume you don't see anywhere else.
Now I'm in graduate school, and I finally feel like I'm not spinning my wheels and completely lost, but I also feel frustrated because school and work consume nearly all of my time. But it's only 2 years. People have done it before. I can do anything for 2 years.
This year has been so different for me in so many ways. Being a grown-up is pretty hard work. Plus I moved to a completely different place very far away from home with a very different culture. I learned how to use public transportation. I started my job as a nurse, which is when the learning really begins. I learned how to switch back and forth between night shift and day shift every 4 weeks. I learned that I am week and need support and to be spiritually fed. I learned what it feels like to miss church on Sundays about twice a month because I had to work. I learned what it feels like not to have a church home.
Praise God that year is over!
There were good times too. I think San Francisco is a really neat city, and it's really weird. There are things that I see here that I assume you don't see anywhere else.
Now I'm in graduate school, and I finally feel like I'm not spinning my wheels and completely lost, but I also feel frustrated because school and work consume nearly all of my time. But it's only 2 years. People have done it before. I can do anything for 2 years.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Emotional Wreckage
I am so stressed out right now between school and work... mostly work. Things are really intense and frustrating because we're being audited by the state. I'm so tense, and I find myself walking and realize that my shoulders are all scrunched up towards my neck, and I have to force myself to put them down. I start crying at the drop of a dime.... I turned on a League of thier Own to help me relax a bit before I get down to studying and I started crying when the girls made the team! What in the world is that?! I've seen this movie a bunch of times, and I've never cried at that before. I can't handle this. Hopefully I'll be all cried out soon. It's so draining! I'm tired.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
My Birthday
This is me at my costume birthday party. Can you guess who I was suppose to be? The pose is just me being silly and not at all a part of the costume. The shaw isn't part of the costume either.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
so
There's a new guy at work. He's really hot. And nice. We made friends.
He's gay.
Oh the woes of living in San Francisco!
He's gay.
Oh the woes of living in San Francisco!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Question
Can we really say that God guides us somewhere? I mean at the end of the day, it could definitely be our own selfish (or unselfish) desires that have led us to whatever conclusion or place. One person feels like God led her to sell everything and give to the poor, and the next person feels like God led her to the perfect house to buy with 5 bedrooms and 3.5 baths. One person feels like God is leading him to stay in America and another person feels God leading him to live in Asia. God leads one person to the perfect shade of blue SUV and another person to the perfect university or the perfect church or the perfect... whatever. If I chose to do something and then do it, can I really say God lead me to it?
I think
that there are many decisions and paths we can take, and God can bless us in a variety of ways. He can enable us to venture in many directions without a certain direction being wrong.
I think
that I get a little uneasy when I hear people saying that God led them to something or made something happen, because I often don't feel like I see a whole lot of God in the choice. It's not that I see satan in the choice.... but I see some filters that the person is wearing, and the person is choosing something because she wants it. Not because God wants it (even though he can still bless it), but she wants it.
I guess we all do it in different ways....
I'm more inclined to say after the fact that God opened whatever doors, but that might just may be my own desire to see the situation as such.
So when is God really leading, and when am I really leading?
I think
that there are many decisions and paths we can take, and God can bless us in a variety of ways. He can enable us to venture in many directions without a certain direction being wrong.
I think
that I get a little uneasy when I hear people saying that God led them to something or made something happen, because I often don't feel like I see a whole lot of God in the choice. It's not that I see satan in the choice.... but I see some filters that the person is wearing, and the person is choosing something because she wants it. Not because God wants it (even though he can still bless it), but she wants it.
I guess we all do it in different ways....
I'm more inclined to say after the fact that God opened whatever doors, but that might just may be my own desire to see the situation as such.
So when is God really leading, and when am I really leading?
Friday, July 20, 2007
1 Cor 2:9
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
cool.
cool.
Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I like that verse, and I wish it for you and me today.
I like that verse, and I wish it for you and me today.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Zimbabwe
This article, Secret Lives, in The Observer Magazine has an awesome article about what's going on in Zimbabwe. Please read and look at the pictures!
Monday, July 09, 2007
What happens
when 10 or 20 yrs of your life are gone from your memories? What happens when you can't remember where you live and who takes care of you? What happens when you think your husband is still alive, when you don't recognize your only son? What happens when you can't figure out why you're somewhere or where you're going on a walk to? What happens when you can't even go out to dinner because it messes up your routine so bad that you can't remember basically anything for days? What happens when you can't remember your grandchildren or great grand children? What happens when you realize that your biggest fear is coming true? Do you realize that it's coming true? Are you really aware that you are losing your mind, your memories? Does your mind race in confusion and fear when you can't figure out which room you live in or why no one is coming to get you? Or is it nicer and you just blissfully don't know what's going on? I think it's scary, and I think you just don't talk about it because you're embarrassed, and you know that you should know what's going on. I think that it must be one of the most terrifying things that could happen to you. If it was your body going bad you could at least look forward to dying and going to heaven, but when it's your mind going bad, you can be trapped in complete confusion for years.
I miss Ganny. She's been forgetful for most of my life, but I remember the times when I could hang out with her, and she might repeat stories you've heard a million times in your life, but she generally would not repeat the same story in a visit or would only repeat it once. Last time I saw her she was like a broken record that you couldn't get to stop. She was literally finishing a sentence and then starting the same one all over again. I'd try and change the conversation to get her on a different track, but it was really hard. It's hard to spend time with her now. It's frustrating. It's sad. And I haven't even been around her lately, when she has been completely confused and doesn't know where she lives or who people are.
My parents must be really strong. I want to be like them. I hope that they don't ever need the kind of care that Ganny needs, but if they do, I wanna take care of them. Granted, I'll be moving them to Africa so I can do that, but I guess they won't know the difference at that point anyways. :)
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Can you imagine?
Read this article from the New York Times:
Influx From Zimbabwe to South Africa Tests Both
Can you imagine an inflation rate so high that you suddenly find your monthly salary worth $2? I can't. I can try, but I'm sure that what I'm imagining as I type on my computer on my couch while watching TV in my comfy apartment is nowhere close to the reality.
Influx From Zimbabwe to South Africa Tests Both
Can you imagine an inflation rate so high that you suddenly find your monthly salary worth $2? I can't. I can try, but I'm sure that what I'm imagining as I type on my computer on my couch while watching TV in my comfy apartment is nowhere close to the reality.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Diamond Ring
I'm tired of hearing a girl say that she's not "technically" engaged, because Johnny can't afford the ring yet. What in the world is that?! She only loves him enough if he can afford a diamond ring?
Second, I hate that the first thing we want to do is look at the ring when we find out a girl got engaged, as if that's the most important part of the engagement. I do it too. I feel awkward if I don't ask to see the ring, because that's the expected reaction.
Third, it feels wrong for me to expect to wear a $2000+ ring on my finger when people are starving to death today. I guess I could say that about any of my possessions really. I'm just targeting the diamonds right now though.
My roommate and I went to MythBusters last night, and this is what we found:
"The first recorded instance of a man giving his bride-to-be a diamond ring was in 1477, when Archduke Maximilian of Hamburg gave one to Mary of Burgundy. However, this was only an occasional occurrence among royalty and the extremely wealthy — hardly what would be called a tradition. It wasn't until the 1930s, when the South African diamond company De Beers tried to boost sales by working with Hollywood starlets and movie studios to promote the concept of presenting a diamond ring as part of a marriage proposal, that the idea started to catch on. In 1947, De Beers launched their highly successful "A Diamond Is Forever" marketing campaign, and convinced men that they needed to spend two to three months' salary in order to present their intended with a suitable engagement ring. Today, approximately 75 percent of engagements include a diamond ring."
Second, I hate that the first thing we want to do is look at the ring when we find out a girl got engaged, as if that's the most important part of the engagement. I do it too. I feel awkward if I don't ask to see the ring, because that's the expected reaction.
Third, it feels wrong for me to expect to wear a $2000+ ring on my finger when people are starving to death today. I guess I could say that about any of my possessions really. I'm just targeting the diamonds right now though.
My roommate and I went to MythBusters last night, and this is what we found:
"The first recorded instance of a man giving his bride-to-be a diamond ring was in 1477, when Archduke Maximilian of Hamburg gave one to Mary of Burgundy. However, this was only an occasional occurrence among royalty and the extremely wealthy — hardly what would be called a tradition. It wasn't until the 1930s, when the South African diamond company De Beers tried to boost sales by working with Hollywood starlets and movie studios to promote the concept of presenting a diamond ring as part of a marriage proposal, that the idea started to catch on. In 1947, De Beers launched their highly successful "A Diamond Is Forever" marketing campaign, and convinced men that they needed to spend two to three months' salary in order to present their intended with a suitable engagement ring. Today, approximately 75 percent of engagements include a diamond ring."
Monday, June 18, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Where are the Christians?
Where are the Christians? Where are the DISCIPLES of Christ?
They seem to be far removed from many problems in this world.
They seem to be filling a pew on Sundays.
Their churches locked up during the week. Empty.
It seems to be an exception to the rule that a church be heavily involved in outreach during the week.
It seems to be out of the ordinary if a church is committed to helping the "unloveable."
We’re too busy picking out new clothes to wear to church. We’re too busy.
From my book, 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa:
There was a woman in Zimbabwe that had AIDS. She went to a Church of Christ. But when her story talks about her dying of AIDS, it says that the only support she had was her husband and children. It didn’t mention the church at all, except to say that she had been a member there. Her extended family had completely rejected her. It didn’t say that the church had rejected her, but the lack of mention in the story leads me to believe they weren’t around. If they had been around in the way Jesus was, then the story would have been quite different. It couldn’t have helped but mention the disciples of Christ that had stepped up and lovingly supported this family in their time of need if that had been the case.
This happens every day.
As Christians, we don’t like the tough situations. We just want to go to church, sing some songs, and act like we don’t have problems, and we certainly don’t want to hear about anyone else’s problems, lest we be obligated to give much of our precious time.
I’ve been reading again and again about heroes of social causes. People that stood up when others were being treated unjustly, inhumanely. These people said it wasn’t okay. These people wanted to love on the people that were being rejected by society. These people cared enough to dedicate their LIVES to caring for these people. A lot of these people that I have read about were not Christians. They weren’t Christians, but they still cared about people. Yet Christians, that are supposed to have this higher calling, that are supposed to do unto others as they would have them do unto them, these people that claim to be followers of the Christ, do nothing. We do nothing. Week after week.
God forgive me for my complacency! It kills. It kills spiritually. It kills physically. Each day I remain silent, each day I do nothing, each day I remain inactive, I am making a decision AGAINST those that are suffering.
They seem to be far removed from many problems in this world.
They seem to be filling a pew on Sundays.
Their churches locked up during the week. Empty.
It seems to be an exception to the rule that a church be heavily involved in outreach during the week.
It seems to be out of the ordinary if a church is committed to helping the "unloveable."
We’re too busy picking out new clothes to wear to church. We’re too busy.
From my book, 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa:
There was a woman in Zimbabwe that had AIDS. She went to a Church of Christ. But when her story talks about her dying of AIDS, it says that the only support she had was her husband and children. It didn’t mention the church at all, except to say that she had been a member there. Her extended family had completely rejected her. It didn’t say that the church had rejected her, but the lack of mention in the story leads me to believe they weren’t around. If they had been around in the way Jesus was, then the story would have been quite different. It couldn’t have helped but mention the disciples of Christ that had stepped up and lovingly supported this family in their time of need if that had been the case.
This happens every day.
As Christians, we don’t like the tough situations. We just want to go to church, sing some songs, and act like we don’t have problems, and we certainly don’t want to hear about anyone else’s problems, lest we be obligated to give much of our precious time.
I’ve been reading again and again about heroes of social causes. People that stood up when others were being treated unjustly, inhumanely. These people said it wasn’t okay. These people wanted to love on the people that were being rejected by society. These people cared enough to dedicate their LIVES to caring for these people. A lot of these people that I have read about were not Christians. They weren’t Christians, but they still cared about people. Yet Christians, that are supposed to have this higher calling, that are supposed to do unto others as they would have them do unto them, these people that claim to be followers of the Christ, do nothing. We do nothing. Week after week.
God forgive me for my complacency! It kills. It kills spiritually. It kills physically. Each day I remain silent, each day I do nothing, each day I remain inactive, I am making a decision AGAINST those that are suffering.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I want to GO!
I just got done reading an article on the Doctors Without Borders website about how there just aren't enough medical professionals to get ARVs (antiretrovirals) to all the people with AIDS that need them. In just one district they're treating 7,000 people and need to increase it to 10,000, but they can't b/c they don't have the docs and nurses to distribute the drugs. The report I was reading covered Lesotho, Malawi, Mozambique and South Africa. I'm also still reading my book, 28 Sotries of AIDS in Africa. I read about 100 pages on the plane last night, and I get SO frustrated! I can't wait to start grad school so I can hurry and finish it and GO! I looked up a list of the poorest countries in the world. They are as follows:
aneki.com
Poorest Countries in the World
Rank, Country, GDP - per capita
1 Malawi $ 600
2 Somalia $ 600
3 Comoros $ 600
4 Solomon Islands $ 600
5 Congo, Democratic Republic of the$ 700
6 Burundi $ 700
7 East Timor $ 800
8 Tanzania $ 800
9 Afghanistan $ 800
10 Yemen $ 900
Can you imagine making $600 a year?!
I'm going to give you and exerpt from my book 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa by Stephanie Nolen:
"...Winstone gave a young woman named Jennifer the happy news that her TB had been successfully treated, she responded by bursting into tears: without TB, she would no longer qualify for a weekly parcel of soya powder and beans, the only source of food for her three children. 'When I went home I couldn't sleep,' Winstone wrote about those days. 'I felt terrible. What was the use of setting up Kara Counseling in Kabwe if the people wished they had AIDS so they could get a few cents? How could we fight TB if patients felt happy to be sick so they could get a few pounds of soya powder? What the fucking hell was I doing here?' He thought about his most recent speaking tour in the US, where he was told about a cat with kidney problems on dialysis, saw massive sport utility vehicles with built in DVD players, heard that the leading epidemic in the country was obesity. 'And here I am stuck with Jennifer and Joyce in my little office as they wish they had the most serious and fatal disease [AIDS] to have hit the world so they can get 80 cents every week.'"
So that's what's on my mind today. All the need in the world, and I'm still stuck here in SF, waiting to start grad school. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH GRAD SCHOOL AND GO!
aneki.com
Poorest Countries in the World
Rank, Country, GDP - per capita
1 Malawi $ 600
2 Somalia $ 600
3 Comoros $ 600
4 Solomon Islands $ 600
5 Congo, Democratic Republic of the$ 700
6 Burundi $ 700
7 East Timor $ 800
8 Tanzania $ 800
9 Afghanistan $ 800
10 Yemen $ 900
Can you imagine making $600 a year?!
I'm going to give you and exerpt from my book 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa by Stephanie Nolen:
"...Winstone gave a young woman named Jennifer the happy news that her TB had been successfully treated, she responded by bursting into tears: without TB, she would no longer qualify for a weekly parcel of soya powder and beans, the only source of food for her three children. 'When I went home I couldn't sleep,' Winstone wrote about those days. 'I felt terrible. What was the use of setting up Kara Counseling in Kabwe if the people wished they had AIDS so they could get a few cents? How could we fight TB if patients felt happy to be sick so they could get a few pounds of soya powder? What the fucking hell was I doing here?' He thought about his most recent speaking tour in the US, where he was told about a cat with kidney problems on dialysis, saw massive sport utility vehicles with built in DVD players, heard that the leading epidemic in the country was obesity. 'And here I am stuck with Jennifer and Joyce in my little office as they wish they had the most serious and fatal disease [AIDS] to have hit the world so they can get 80 cents every week.'"
So that's what's on my mind today. All the need in the world, and I'm still stuck here in SF, waiting to start grad school. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH GRAD SCHOOL AND GO!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Terrorism
So, I'm a little confused... who are the terrorists??? the U.S.? the Taliban? NATO?
I just got done reading this article in the NY Times: Civilian Deaths Undermine War on Taliban.
Here are a few quotes from it:
[“You have a bag of capital — that is the good will of the people — and you want to spend that as slow as you could,” said the American military official. “We are spending it at a fearsome rate.”]
This statement enrages me!!! People's LIVES are not bags of capital!!! This is basically saying that killing the civilians off slowly is okay, because we'll still have the people's goodwill as a whole!
[“If we still have civilian casualties, it can be used by the opposition groups to the government to encourage the people against the government and against the international community,” Dr. Samar said at a recent news conference. “That’s why we are concerned, and we ask the international community and the Afghan government to be very, very careful.”]
We shouldn't be concerned about the casualties only because the people will oppose the government! We should care because they are PEOPLE!
[A senior Bush administration official said American Special Forces units were conducting an operation in the valley in late April. After the Taliban pinned them down in a firefight, the air strike was necessary, the military official said. “It was the only way to extract our guys,” the official said.]
So "our guys" are more important than the innocent men, women, and children that had to be bombed in order to extract "our guys."
I'm so sick thinking about all the people in Afghan that are caught between NATO, the U. S. military and the Taliban. Basically there is no where safe to turn. On every side they are surrounded by trigger happy men, ready to end your existence at the drop of a pin. I don't know what the right answer is to fighting the Taliban... but replacing one evil for another is not okay. Killing innocent people is not okay just because it's in the supposed name of freedom. These people are not free. They are slaves to fear, a fear that is coming from every direction. I know in war there are always casualties... but more now than ever, war seems stupid! How are we supposed to fight an enemy that does not have a front line, that is mixed in with the people, and oh yeah, they're willing to strap bombs on themselves just to kill you! It seems that the only way to win that type of war is to show them a better way. Some might say that that is impossible. That those people will never listen. Maybe that is true. But maybe we should give them an opportunity. We certainly cannot change their minds by trying to kill them. And we're only creating more people to rise up against NATO and the US army by harming civilians. Villages are actually rising up to fight the soldiers (and good for them for trying to protect their families), because they are fed up with the military coming and raiding them when there is no Taliban there. They don't want to live life harassed and in fear. I don't know what would happen if we just stopped all of the military involvement. I don't know if the Taliban would take over. I don't know if it would be better or worse for the Afghan people.
So, I tried to write the above as if I agreed with war, just maybe not that particular war and it's tactics, but the truth is that I'm a pacifist, and I know that most people do not share that view point. So of course, my opinion is that war is never good. You can bring up WWII and other wars and I will tell you that I don't know. I don't have the answers. And yes, I do think that Hitler needed to be stopped, but based on Christian principles, Hitler could have been stopped long before everything got started. So what does a pacifist do when Christian principles weren't used in the first place, when everything has already gone to crap... I don't know. I haven't been a pacifist for that long. I'm inclined to say in my non-pacifist part of my mind that you fight back. But I don't think that a lot of the wars going on today are like WWII. I think that they are really different. And so, WWII is already done and over with, but we're dealing with terrorists that will stop at nothing to kill innocent people. They are exalted in their deaths. How do you fight that with guns? Maybe we're hoping that eventually we will kill them all off and there will be none left? But I think that as we try and kill them all off, we are daily creating more terrorists that maybe never would have become that had they not had to live a life in fear of the U.S. military. I dunno. Just some thoughts.
I just got done reading this article in the NY Times: Civilian Deaths Undermine War on Taliban.
Here are a few quotes from it:
[“You have a bag of capital — that is the good will of the people — and you want to spend that as slow as you could,” said the American military official. “We are spending it at a fearsome rate.”]
This statement enrages me!!! People's LIVES are not bags of capital!!! This is basically saying that killing the civilians off slowly is okay, because we'll still have the people's goodwill as a whole!
[“If we still have civilian casualties, it can be used by the opposition groups to the government to encourage the people against the government and against the international community,” Dr. Samar said at a recent news conference. “That’s why we are concerned, and we ask the international community and the Afghan government to be very, very careful.”]
We shouldn't be concerned about the casualties only because the people will oppose the government! We should care because they are PEOPLE!
[A senior Bush administration official said American Special Forces units were conducting an operation in the valley in late April. After the Taliban pinned them down in a firefight, the air strike was necessary, the military official said. “It was the only way to extract our guys,” the official said.]
So "our guys" are more important than the innocent men, women, and children that had to be bombed in order to extract "our guys."
I'm so sick thinking about all the people in Afghan that are caught between NATO, the U. S. military and the Taliban. Basically there is no where safe to turn. On every side they are surrounded by trigger happy men, ready to end your existence at the drop of a pin. I don't know what the right answer is to fighting the Taliban... but replacing one evil for another is not okay. Killing innocent people is not okay just because it's in the supposed name of freedom. These people are not free. They are slaves to fear, a fear that is coming from every direction. I know in war there are always casualties... but more now than ever, war seems stupid! How are we supposed to fight an enemy that does not have a front line, that is mixed in with the people, and oh yeah, they're willing to strap bombs on themselves just to kill you! It seems that the only way to win that type of war is to show them a better way. Some might say that that is impossible. That those people will never listen. Maybe that is true. But maybe we should give them an opportunity. We certainly cannot change their minds by trying to kill them. And we're only creating more people to rise up against NATO and the US army by harming civilians. Villages are actually rising up to fight the soldiers (and good for them for trying to protect their families), because they are fed up with the military coming and raiding them when there is no Taliban there. They don't want to live life harassed and in fear. I don't know what would happen if we just stopped all of the military involvement. I don't know if the Taliban would take over. I don't know if it would be better or worse for the Afghan people.
So, I tried to write the above as if I agreed with war, just maybe not that particular war and it's tactics, but the truth is that I'm a pacifist, and I know that most people do not share that view point. So of course, my opinion is that war is never good. You can bring up WWII and other wars and I will tell you that I don't know. I don't have the answers. And yes, I do think that Hitler needed to be stopped, but based on Christian principles, Hitler could have been stopped long before everything got started. So what does a pacifist do when Christian principles weren't used in the first place, when everything has already gone to crap... I don't know. I haven't been a pacifist for that long. I'm inclined to say in my non-pacifist part of my mind that you fight back. But I don't think that a lot of the wars going on today are like WWII. I think that they are really different. And so, WWII is already done and over with, but we're dealing with terrorists that will stop at nothing to kill innocent people. They are exalted in their deaths. How do you fight that with guns? Maybe we're hoping that eventually we will kill them all off and there will be none left? But I think that as we try and kill them all off, we are daily creating more terrorists that maybe never would have become that had they not had to live a life in fear of the U.S. military. I dunno. Just some thoughts.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
SHY
In my family I’m the shy one. Seriously, I am. I know if you’re reading this and you’re not related to me then you’re thinking no way! But I have told many of you this before. I’m actually quite shy. I have to force myself to do a lot of the things I do. However, I am distinctly NOT shy if I feel like someone around me is shy. In those cases I am more than willing to step up and do whatever it is that needs to be done or said. I’m actually quite vocal in those situations. However, if I know someone else around me will do what needs to be done (like my dad) then I greatly digress… maybe that’s why there’s such a large discrepancy between my friends and family’s perceptions of me. In my family I am the baby, and so they’ll take care of me. I mean, it’s not like I’m “babied;” they actually do a great job of bullying me into being not shy, but I naturally do not what to have to be the responsible one. Now, if I’m with a bunch of friends and a phone call needs to be made or if I feel like one of them has been wronged in any way, I’m on top of the job. I’m the one that will step up and want to take care of business. My present roommate laughs at me, because I seem to end up in conversations with strangers, but she has no idea how shy I am! If she could only see my sister and brother in action! I wish that I had never met a stranger, that I could warmly engage any random person in a meaningful conversation. But I can’t… or I don’t. I suppose I could. The world is full of shier people than me, and probably a lot of them are wishing that someone would be friends with them. Actually, I’ve become quite aware of that fact ever since I graduated from ACU and even more so now that I live in a city that’s simply full of people that have recently relocated. People are starving for relationships.
I haven’t done a good job of being a part of this city since I moved here. I did for the first three months, but not since then. I travel as much as I possible can, and therefore I’m out of town A LOT. You can’t deepen friendships when you’re out of town as much as I am. I can’t really be a part of church, because I only get 2 Sundays off a month, and I’m always out of town on one of those Sundays. So, I only attend “my church” 1 Sunday a month. Of course I get to go some Wednesdays and some Fridays, but I’m not consistent in that either. I also haven’t volunteered since my first 3 months here. It’s just really hard to get involved in anything when you’re always working or traveling. But I recognized this fact about a month ago, and I’m willing to live with it for now, because I’m far away from my loved ones, and soon enough I won’t be able to travel to see them. But in the mean time, I really do miss having that church family. I really do miss having best friends living near by. I miss having family not too far away. I ache to feel comfortable when I go to church. I ache to have a place that I volunteer at regularly. But I guess right now I ache more to see my family and friends in other parts of the country and hemisphere.
I met a girl on the bus a while back. She was really nice and we exchanged numbers. She had only been in the city for 2 months, and so, probably had even fewer friends than I. Well, I dropped the ball on that one. It’s been about a month now since that encounter, and I have yet to call her to hang out. Shyness got in the way. I got the feeling on the bus that she wanted another friend even more than I do right now. She was really interesting too, and we could’ve probably been great friends, but now it feels a little awkward to call because it’s been so long. Maybe I will this coming week.
Sorry this posting was kind of a ramble… but I wanted to post because it’s been a while, and well, this is what popped out of my fingertips.
Exciting news: My roommate and I bought rollerblades and are going to go on our first rollerblade expedition EVER on Sunday afternoon! I’ll be sure to post pics! :)
I haven’t done a good job of being a part of this city since I moved here. I did for the first three months, but not since then. I travel as much as I possible can, and therefore I’m out of town A LOT. You can’t deepen friendships when you’re out of town as much as I am. I can’t really be a part of church, because I only get 2 Sundays off a month, and I’m always out of town on one of those Sundays. So, I only attend “my church” 1 Sunday a month. Of course I get to go some Wednesdays and some Fridays, but I’m not consistent in that either. I also haven’t volunteered since my first 3 months here. It’s just really hard to get involved in anything when you’re always working or traveling. But I recognized this fact about a month ago, and I’m willing to live with it for now, because I’m far away from my loved ones, and soon enough I won’t be able to travel to see them. But in the mean time, I really do miss having that church family. I really do miss having best friends living near by. I miss having family not too far away. I ache to feel comfortable when I go to church. I ache to have a place that I volunteer at regularly. But I guess right now I ache more to see my family and friends in other parts of the country and hemisphere.
I met a girl on the bus a while back. She was really nice and we exchanged numbers. She had only been in the city for 2 months, and so, probably had even fewer friends than I. Well, I dropped the ball on that one. It’s been about a month now since that encounter, and I have yet to call her to hang out. Shyness got in the way. I got the feeling on the bus that she wanted another friend even more than I do right now. She was really interesting too, and we could’ve probably been great friends, but now it feels a little awkward to call because it’s been so long. Maybe I will this coming week.
Sorry this posting was kind of a ramble… but I wanted to post because it’s been a while, and well, this is what popped out of my fingertips.
Exciting news: My roommate and I bought rollerblades and are going to go on our first rollerblade expedition EVER on Sunday afternoon! I’ll be sure to post pics! :)
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Dirty Needle
I can't believe I stuck myself. When I felt the stick, I was shocked, and I thought, no way, there's no way what I just felt was that needle going into me. So, I finished up with the patient, threw away my gloves and left the room, and in the hallway I squeezed my finger to see if it would bleed, to see if I did in fact stick myself or if it was just some other stinging sensation that I felt. Well, I bled. Then I went and told the charge nurse, and he asked me, well are you sure you stuck the patient too? And I thought so, so I went back to the room and squeezed the patient's arm to see if it would bleed, and it did. I accidently stuck myself with a dirty needle today. I still don't understand how in the world it happened, especially since I was using our new insulin pens that are pretty much fool proof so that you won't stick yourself. I never got stuck with the old kind. I'm actually not worried... I mean it's highly unlikely that this man has anything, but it's kinda weird to think that he could have something and that now I could have something... but even if he had HIV there's a super low chance that I would be able to contract it from a dirty needle stick. Anyways, his blood got sent off to the lab today to be tested, so that we'll know whether or not I need to be tested. I'm sure it's fine. They won't test the blood till Monday.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Funny things Haven does
Haven is my 4 yr old nephew with one older brother (Ashton) and one younger brother (Gavin). Haven is an absolute adorable mess, and everything he does just makes me laugh. So, when I got here (Houston), they told me that the day before Haven had peed on his castle, which was in his bedroom. When asked why, he said he thought it would be funny. LOL. It makes me laugh even now! Then I noticed (and how could I not notice it) green markings all over the door to Gavin's room and on the walls on either side of the door. I asked who had done that, and Andi told me that Gavin had started it (he's 1 and 1/2 yrs old), but Haven came along and showed him how. hahaha. What a good big brother! Haven gives the sweetest kissies and hugs and likes rubbies on his tummy and back. But, alas, I know that he too will turn into a stinker. It's only a matter of time. I guess peeing on his castle should probably move him on over to the stinker catagory, but he is just so stinking cute and the way he talks is hilarious that he just can't be in the stinker catagory yet. Andi and Chad are always telling him to talk in his big boy voice, and then he does this ridiculous deep voice. It makes me laugh. Haven can't even ride on his bike with training wheels without falling over, and yet he still argues that he's ready to have his training wheels taken off. Last night he told Andi that she hurt his feelings because she wouldn't give him candy or something silly like that. He's so funny. I'll post a picture later.
Sometimes
Sometimes, when I see a bunch of new things come up on facebook about people from high school that I was friends with, I get sad. They post photoalbums with all of them together having fun, and I feel... I dunno, sad. I haven't seen those people in about 5 years now, and I guess since I moved on to other places, I usually assume that they all went different places and didn't stay in touch with each other too, but then their photo albums are a blaring reminder that they did keep in contact. I didn't. I'm not even sure how I could have. My parents moved away from Franklin my sophomore year of college, and I've never had the time or money to go back. Always had somewhere else I need to go. I don't regret my decision to go to school in TX or study abroad for a year in Chile or to go to school in OK or to move to CA, but I wish I could see those friends again. It seems impossible now, because there is no more summer break. What are the chances of me even seeing them? Only if I went there at Christmas time, which I won't, because if I actually get Christmas off, I'll visit my family. I think that it's just my general since of lonliness right now that makes me so nastalgic. But it would be nice to see my high school friends again.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Change
Change is good. It keeps us moving. adapting. growing. Even small superficial changes can have a big impact. Removes us from our comfort zone.
For at least 3 years I've been saying that I would grow my hair out and chop it off to give to Locks of Love, but I never could bring myself to do the chopping part. Well, today the time came. All 11 inches came off. As Lisa chopped my ponytails off, I could see in the mirror the reflection of the faces of the other women in the salon that were getting their nails done at the time. To put it mildly they looked quite surprised that I was chopping it all off. To describe their looks more realistically I would say that they looked horrified. It was funny. I like shocking people.
The next post is a slide show of todays events for your enjoyment.
For at least 3 years I've been saying that I would grow my hair out and chop it off to give to Locks of Love, but I never could bring myself to do the chopping part. Well, today the time came. All 11 inches came off. As Lisa chopped my ponytails off, I could see in the mirror the reflection of the faces of the other women in the salon that were getting their nails done at the time. To put it mildly they looked quite surprised that I was chopping it all off. To describe their looks more realistically I would say that they looked horrified. It was funny. I like shocking people.
The next post is a slide show of todays events for your enjoyment.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
terrible HORRIBLE no good VERY BAD night
I had the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night at work last night. I'm so glad it's over, but I can't stop thinking about it. And nothing that horrible really even happen to make me feel this way. I think it was just little things upon little things added to the fact that I felt so unconfident in what I was doing, because it was my first time to have a trach patient and the transfer to our floor was not good, and then lots of unexpected stuff happened, and then the doctor was a jerk (but my team leader and the charge nurse told me not to worry about it and that he's a jerk to everyone and that I did good and to brush it off), and it wasn't my fault that the patient pulled out her PICC line, and I just wanted to go home, and I cried twice at work, and I hate that, and then another patient needed blood, and then the phlebotomist didn't come for like an hr and a half, and then my patient finally got blood at 4:50 am and the blood had beed ordered at 10:30 pm (but it wasn't an emergency, so it really is okay), and then my patient's IV went bad right at change of shift, and then my other patient's central line wouldn't draw back, and at start of shift half of the medicines weren't there for my transplant patient, and I don't speak Mandarine and couldn't communicate well with one of my patients, and one of my patients wouldn't use the call light, but was unsteady on her feet, and ended up on the floor, and I gave all of my bedtime medicines late, and I thought the night would never end, BUT I had the most wonderful team ever last night. My floor splits us up into teams, so that we can help each other if we need to, and my teammates helped me so much, and I totally would have lost it without them. Of course that's the way it should be, but in all of my nursing school rotations I never saw team work like what goes on on my floor. And the nurses that float to my floor talk about how much they like floating to our floor over others because we're so helpful. You HAVE to have that on my floor or NOBODY would work there because the patient load can be so intense. Praise God no real emergencies happened last night. I bawled when I got home today. It felt nice to finally release all the anxiety that had built up over the night, but it would have been nicer if anybody wasn't working today and could hang out with me. Although I'm really sleepy, but when I try to relax, I think, and so I can't relax and sleep yet. I'll prob fall asleep when I'm too tired to think anymore.
PS- I got into grad school at the University of California San Francisco!!! I will be studying to be a family nurse practitioner in the fall with a minor in HIV/AIDS. :)
PS- I got into grad school at the University of California San Francisco!!! I will be studying to be a family nurse practitioner in the fall with a minor in HIV/AIDS. :)
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Broken
I can’t handle these love songs and movies about growing old and your spouse dying! Mark Schultz’s song “Walking Her Home” has me all teary eyed right now, and if I choose to let myself, the teary eyes could turn into ugly snotty slobbering tears. But I choose not to let it tonight. I’ve cried enough today already. I wonder why these old couples get to me so much. Is it the fact that they have spent more than half of their lives together and then one of them dies and the other is left on this earth without the other? Or is it the fear that I will never find a love like that to be sad about? Or is it the fear that I will find a love like that to be sad about? Or is it because I look at my own grandparents and think about that? Or is it that I look at my parents and I can’t imagine one without the other? They take care of each other. Dad takes care of lots of practical stuff, and mom tells him when to turn… or, hehe, doesn’t tell him when to turn, and then finally tells him after he figures out that he messed up.
Church was wonderful tonight… I don’t know that anything was much different than normal, which is proof that a good part of what we get out of worship is what we bring to the table. An open heart helps. OF COURSE a church that doesn’t sound like it’s dying while it’s singing helps too. God rescued me by giving me Glad Tidings Church. I’ve just been going through hard times with being a new nurse in a new city with new friends and a new culture.
This church is so different than any that I’ve consistently ever gone too. It’s exciting and interesting to hear the same verses I’ve heard my whole life from a different view. It’s also hard. Do I agree with everything that’s said. No. But I didn’t in the denomination that I grew up in either, and so this is okay, because this church loves Jesus and the worship and teaching there is based on the Bible and is what is carrying me through right now.
One thing I like about my church is that when the preacher asks for people to respond at the end of the sermon, a good 1/3 to 1/2 of the church responds, which makes a lot more sense than maybe one person responding! We’re all broken and struggling at some point during the year if not at some point during every month or every week. So I went down front too, and the preacher… oops I mean, pastor Forrest, decided he would pray for each person tonight. Sometimes he gets people to come help and they just divide up among the people, but that’s not what we did tonight. Anyways, Pastor Tim, plays the piano and leads singing during this time, and everyone still sings or prays or whatever while this is going on. People stand, they sit, they kneel, they lie prostrate, whatever they feel they need to do. So tonight, Pastor Forrest, prayed for each person and a couple of others joined and prayed with him over each person. When Pastor Forrest got to me, and placed his hand on my back, I felt… I felt, I guess the way I can describe it is, I felt power in his touch. I haven’t ever had a feeling like that before when someone is praying for me or otherwise. I was broken tonight. And I felt power in his touch. I was still broken when I left church. But I felt power there.
My sister sent me an email the other day, one of those forwarding things, which I don’t send on, but I really like this past one, so I’ll copy and paste it here:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
I liked the email, because I have always heard, "God won't let you go through more than you can handle"... but the clarification of Malachi really means a lot. That such wonderful imagery was used by God in order to describe to us just exactly how he is taking care of us and what he wants in us is awesome. God's watching us, refining us, not willing to let us be destroyed but patiently waiting on us.
Church was wonderful tonight… I don’t know that anything was much different than normal, which is proof that a good part of what we get out of worship is what we bring to the table. An open heart helps. OF COURSE a church that doesn’t sound like it’s dying while it’s singing helps too. God rescued me by giving me Glad Tidings Church. I’ve just been going through hard times with being a new nurse in a new city with new friends and a new culture.
This church is so different than any that I’ve consistently ever gone too. It’s exciting and interesting to hear the same verses I’ve heard my whole life from a different view. It’s also hard. Do I agree with everything that’s said. No. But I didn’t in the denomination that I grew up in either, and so this is okay, because this church loves Jesus and the worship and teaching there is based on the Bible and is what is carrying me through right now.
One thing I like about my church is that when the preacher asks for people to respond at the end of the sermon, a good 1/3 to 1/2 of the church responds, which makes a lot more sense than maybe one person responding! We’re all broken and struggling at some point during the year if not at some point during every month or every week. So I went down front too, and the preacher… oops I mean, pastor Forrest, decided he would pray for each person tonight. Sometimes he gets people to come help and they just divide up among the people, but that’s not what we did tonight. Anyways, Pastor Tim, plays the piano and leads singing during this time, and everyone still sings or prays or whatever while this is going on. People stand, they sit, they kneel, they lie prostrate, whatever they feel they need to do. So tonight, Pastor Forrest, prayed for each person and a couple of others joined and prayed with him over each person. When Pastor Forrest got to me, and placed his hand on my back, I felt… I felt, I guess the way I can describe it is, I felt power in his touch. I haven’t ever had a feeling like that before when someone is praying for me or otherwise. I was broken tonight. And I felt power in his touch. I was still broken when I left church. But I felt power there.
My sister sent me an email the other day, one of those forwarding things, which I don’t send on, but I really like this past one, so I’ll copy and paste it here:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
I liked the email, because I have always heard, "God won't let you go through more than you can handle"... but the clarification of Malachi really means a lot. That such wonderful imagery was used by God in order to describe to us just exactly how he is taking care of us and what he wants in us is awesome. God's watching us, refining us, not willing to let us be destroyed but patiently waiting on us.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Friends
Emily and Jennifer came to visit me this weekend, and I had so much fun with them! It was so uplifting and wonderful to be around them again, something that I baddly needed and didn't even know it. I knew that I was missing having a Christian community to be a part of and Christian friends to hang out with and talk about stuff, but it was just overwhelming to me, to actually have them here. I am so blessed to have friends like them! Anybody else wanna come visit?? :)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Blessed
My mom sent my brother an email in responce to some stuff that's been going on in Honduras (where my brother lives). I think the email is awesome, and I want to share it with you all too. It means a lot to me, because Jarrod is living in Honduras, trying to do good things for people, really living a life of love, and people still do mean things to him sometimes, and it's hard to understand. My mom's email makes sense of it all.
I am so blessed and this bothers me. Why do I have so much, why do I live in the land of Plenty, why do I not have to worry about food to eat, or clothes to wear or where I'm going to sleep tonight or what am I going to feed my family in the morning or the next day or the next day. It's so easy for me to give my 10-20 or whatever percent to the Lord. I still have plenty of that stuff left---lots more than what I gave to the Lord. I can talk about being content with what I have and not wanting more, not wanting what other people have, not wanting a finer car, not wanting a larger house, but I have it all. I have all I want , if I don't have it I just go out and buy it. The Lord hasn't tested me and I'm so thankful he hasn't, I might not pass, in fact I would probably fail. I have no idea how I would act if I didn't know where the food was going go come from for the next meal for my children. What if I already struggled with the daily ordinary take for granted things of life; what if I never was able to take for granted there would be food for my children the next day, they would have clothes to wear; they would be educated; they would never be mistreated. What am I going to do if someone gets sick? These are things I never worry about, have never ever worried about these things; didn't know I should. What would I do if I had to worry about my children???????????? Probably just about any thing--even things that weren't nice. What if my husbnd had a poor level paying job and he lost it and I didn't have any way to support myself or my family, what would I do? I don't know maybe I would sue the man who laid my husband off. If I could just get $1000 more that is ten months pay and we could make it for almost another year. How would I feel if I wasn't a loveable person? People never looked at me and said how pretty? How would I feel? What would this do to me? I have no idea. My insecurities are great and people tell me all the time how pretty I am and how much they love me. I have it all and yet I have my own insecurities, but I don't have to worry about eating or feeding my family. What would I do? Whatever it took to feed my family, that's what I would do.
Love, Mom
I am so blessed and this bothers me. Why do I have so much, why do I live in the land of Plenty, why do I not have to worry about food to eat, or clothes to wear or where I'm going to sleep tonight or what am I going to feed my family in the morning or the next day or the next day. It's so easy for me to give my 10-20 or whatever percent to the Lord. I still have plenty of that stuff left---lots more than what I gave to the Lord. I can talk about being content with what I have and not wanting more, not wanting what other people have, not wanting a finer car, not wanting a larger house, but I have it all. I have all I want , if I don't have it I just go out and buy it. The Lord hasn't tested me and I'm so thankful he hasn't, I might not pass, in fact I would probably fail. I have no idea how I would act if I didn't know where the food was going go come from for the next meal for my children. What if I already struggled with the daily ordinary take for granted things of life; what if I never was able to take for granted there would be food for my children the next day, they would have clothes to wear; they would be educated; they would never be mistreated. What am I going to do if someone gets sick? These are things I never worry about, have never ever worried about these things; didn't know I should. What would I do if I had to worry about my children???????????? Probably just about any thing--even things that weren't nice. What if my husbnd had a poor level paying job and he lost it and I didn't have any way to support myself or my family, what would I do? I don't know maybe I would sue the man who laid my husband off. If I could just get $1000 more that is ten months pay and we could make it for almost another year. How would I feel if I wasn't a loveable person? People never looked at me and said how pretty? How would I feel? What would this do to me? I have no idea. My insecurities are great and people tell me all the time how pretty I am and how much they love me. I have it all and yet I have my own insecurities, but I don't have to worry about eating or feeding my family. What would I do? Whatever it took to feed my family, that's what I would do.
Love, Mom
Thursday, January 25, 2007
2 patients
I took care of this adorable old man the past 4 days that I worked. He was just a joy to take care of and quite agreeable, but he is SO hard of hearing! To make matters worse, he was in a shared room, and I'm working the night shift this month. Therefore, everytime I had to wake him up for something, his roommate was woken too, because I had to scream for him to hear me. He was so sweet, and he said that he could understand me better than other people. I told him that it was because I had lots of practice with my grandfather who's hard of hearing. He said, oh really, how old is your grandMOTHER? hehe. I smiled and said 83. I would have said that too if he had understood it was my grandfather, because I feel weird telling my 82 year old patients about my dead grandparents.
Another time, I brought him so air freshner, because I had given his roommate some GoLytely so that his bowels would be completely clean for the next do to go to endoscopy. This means big time diarrhea. The room reaked, and it reaked half way done the hall. So I brought air freshner, and this old man says, oh I'm sorry, you know I've just been passing a lot of wind. I just laughed, and his roommate called from the other side of the curtain that it wasn't the old man, but him. Of course my guy didn't hear him, and, luckily, he apparently can't smell very well either. So it comes in handy to be hard of hearing and hard of smelling when you're in a shared room in the hospital.
His roommate was the sweetest absolutely most agreeable 59 year old man with pancreatic cancer. He's dying from it. I feel so sad when I think about him. So many patients can be so mean, and it's understandable because I'm meeting them during one of the worst times in their lives, but this man is just so pleasant with such a nice family. And I just feel so bad. He's going to get palliative chemo. The cancer has spread and is affecting other organs, and for those of you who know I work on a heart and lung floor, you're probably wondering why this guy is there, but his heart is having problems too. He's so young! And cancer is so bad! I wish we could fix it. I wish we could take it away.
It's easier when the patients are old. We all have to die sometime. But he's so young. It's also easier when the patients are mean. But he's so very nice.
Another time, I brought him so air freshner, because I had given his roommate some GoLytely so that his bowels would be completely clean for the next do to go to endoscopy. This means big time diarrhea. The room reaked, and it reaked half way done the hall. So I brought air freshner, and this old man says, oh I'm sorry, you know I've just been passing a lot of wind. I just laughed, and his roommate called from the other side of the curtain that it wasn't the old man, but him. Of course my guy didn't hear him, and, luckily, he apparently can't smell very well either. So it comes in handy to be hard of hearing and hard of smelling when you're in a shared room in the hospital.
His roommate was the sweetest absolutely most agreeable 59 year old man with pancreatic cancer. He's dying from it. I feel so sad when I think about him. So many patients can be so mean, and it's understandable because I'm meeting them during one of the worst times in their lives, but this man is just so pleasant with such a nice family. And I just feel so bad. He's going to get palliative chemo. The cancer has spread and is affecting other organs, and for those of you who know I work on a heart and lung floor, you're probably wondering why this guy is there, but his heart is having problems too. He's so young! And cancer is so bad! I wish we could fix it. I wish we could take it away.
It's easier when the patients are old. We all have to die sometime. But he's so young. It's also easier when the patients are mean. But he's so very nice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
