Married

My friend changed his religious views to "married" on Facebook. I asked him what he meant by it, and this is what he wrote back:

And you’re curious about my “married” religious views? I guess as I continue my relationship with God, this relationship feels more and more like a marriage. There are good times and bad times, ups and downs, times when I feel in love and times when I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t feel like I’m in love right now. But during this time that REALLY sucks, I can be sure that I do love God. I’m not going anywhere. I never made a ‘till death do us part” vow, but that’s the way it is. It feels like something’s been pushed through my flesh and affixed me to him (Deut. 15:16-17). “For your maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name.” (Isa. 54:5)

I liked his answer, and he gave me permission to post it; so I thought I would share it with the few of you who have continued to read my blog.

Crazy

My roommate started calling to me from the living room, "Are you clipping your nails?!" Comes to my room. "What are you doing? Is your stereo on?" Turns my stereo off. "I've been hearing this clicking noise coming from your room all day! What is it? Don't you hear it? It's driving me crazy!" I say no. I can't hear anything. She stands there listening. Voice escalating, "There it is again! Why can't you hear that?" Then she goes back to the living room. Calling to me from there, "It's so loud I can hear it from here!" By then I know she must be crazy, because although I'm a little hard of hearing, I'm not SO hard of hearing that she would be able to hear something coming from MY bedroom while in the living room that I couldn't hear. I tell her that she's crazy and hearing things. We argue about it a little more, then I dial our friend's number and am getting ready to leave a voicemail asking her to come over, so that we can find out if in fact there is a noise, but at that moment, as Byanqa stood in my doorway, she realized that the drawstrings on her sweats had metal ends and that was the sound that she had been hearing all afternoon that had been driving her crazy. Haha. Roommates are fun.

long awaited post

okay, to my 2 readers that still check my blog from time to time, i am going to start posting again regularly. my sweet boyfriend, who knew that i would never get around to getting the software, won an ebay auction for me yesterday for some voice recognition software. i haven't been posting b/c it hurts me to type, so i try and just do it when i have to (like for school), but soon i will have no excuse... can't wait to put all my thoughts and feelings back on the net! :)

Arm Lingerie

Meet my new bedtime attire. Don't worry. I know I'm stinkin' sexy. If you're wondering, the arm braces are for ulnar nerve entrapment, and the wrist braces are for carpel tunnel syndrome. I'm broken. *sniff, sniff* I never knew how much I itch until I had to wear the braces! But just as soon as I get them on, my head, belly, or anywhere that requires me to bend my arm to get to starts itching. And yes, I've come up with some creative ways to reach those itches without taking the braces off.

Why do I do this to myself???

I've seen A Walk To Remember before. I knew what was in store for me tonight when I started watching it. And it started getting really sad, and I started boohooing, and then it got even sadder, and I'm just sitting here alone bawling my eyes out, and then the sadness continues, and I knew that it would, because I know how it ends. Yet I continue to torture myself sitting here, watching all the sadness, doing the ugly cry that's really noisy. My neighbors can probably hear me wailing. Well, that's an exaturation, but it is loud. Hope your evening has been less dramatic. The commercial is over now, gotta get back to my sad movie, so that I can watch her die in the end.

Pictures of the Glasses

Glasses I have yet to step or sit on.

Glasses I stepped on last year (or maybe it was 2 yrs ago now).

This is the pair I stepped on this morning.

Broken

I stepped on my glasses this morning. For some reason when I got done reading my Bible last night, I put it down on the floor next to my bed and put my glasses on top instead of putting them both on the nightstand on the other side of my bed. And I guess I must not have actually gotten my glasses on top of my Bible b/c they were definitely on the floor when I stepped on them. I heard a popping sound and looked down to see my glasses under my foot. My heart sank. Luckily the lense wasn't broken, and now, finally this afternoon after much struggle I have managed to get the lense back in the frame (and I'm wearing my glasses at this very moment) but I can't get the frames to straighten out. So the good part is that I can still use them to see. The bad part is, I cannot use them to look attractive b/c they are sitting lopsided on my face. Oh well, at least they're just for reading. But I did this very thing to a pair of glasses last year! When will I ever learn?! I do still have a non crooked pair, but they're not as strong as the others.

hhhmmmm

I went to church on Sunday. The worship was good. The message was good. Communion was good. It was a diverse church. People were friendly. And then they talked about a special offereing they wanted to do in 2 weeks for the following:

$5000 for a missionary
$5000 for a new stage lighting system including spotlights
$15,000 to pave the parking lot

I'm glad the missionary was included and sad that the missionary is worth the same as the spot lights and less than the parking lot.

You rarely hear about a random special offering for the starving children. What if we put that up there with the other offering stuff?

what would it look like?

$0 for the starving people
$0 for the people that need clothes
$0 for the people that need shelter
$15,000 for the parking lot

Doesn't sound as good when you add in the $0 stuff. I know a lot of people that would argue with me on this point and rationalize the point and I think I understand that opposite view, BUT I still can't get the $0 out of my head for the starving people. Sure the new spotlights would be cool, and it would fix the current problem of not being able to see the giant screens very well that have the power points... BUT that's the point! The more crap we buy, the more we "need" and the more we have to spend in order to maintain what we have.

I see it in my own life too. The more stuff I get, the more consumed I get with preserving it, the more I feel like I need to update x,y, and z. And then I need to find a place to store my things. I need a bigger place to store my crap. They need shelter and I need shelter for my stuff. I NEED it. They need food, but I need my things.

The thing is, I'm so tempted everyday to be self-indulgent and most of the time I'm failing miserably in my effort to resist this temptation. So, when I go to church and they talk about all the improvements they want to make to the building, because it will make them be able to reach out to others and serve the Lord better, it upsets me. it's just another form of self-indulgence under the guise of serving the Lord, it burns me up. Every church I've visited for an extended period of time here has had some improvement project for their building. It's a lot of time, money and effort, and why are we kidding ourselves about why we're doing it. It's not for others, it's for ourselves.

The people that don't know Jesus are not out there starving for a cool building, lighting sytem, parking lot, etc. They're starving for love. They're starving for relationships. They're starving for community that comes in Christ. They're starving for freedom and redemption in HIM. I know we can do come cool outreach things with a building, but... but. ... i think we could do some really cool outreach things without a building, like forming real relationships. Making worship personal. Making community real.

HIV, Jesus, and Love

I just got done emailing a friend, and I realized that I had used my email to him to unload the kind of thing I normally unload on my blog. So, I'm going to put it here too.

I really enjoy my HIV class b/c it's full of people pumped up about tackling a hard problem like me. It's really nice to be around other people that care about the HIV/AIDS epidemic, that want to talk about it... b/c nobody really wants to hear about it b/c it's depressing. It's kind of like a support group too, b/c we get to recognize together that it IS depressing and it does get hard reading about it after a while, b/c the problem just seems so big and overwhelming. What I don't like about the group is that I get the feeling that I might be the only Christian in there. It was really saddening today, and I get so embarrassed by how culture has twisted Christianity and that many people call themselves Christians and the only thing they might get riled up about is maybe not wanting schools to distribute birth control pills and condoms instead of getting riled up about social justice and doing something about it. this used to bother me while living in the south, b/c i would think about all the people in need that needed to be served and the majority of church goers weren't doing anything. now it bothers me for the that same reason PLUS the fact that it's not a good witness b/c out here people don't claim to be christians and not only that, they don't like christians as a group. like you can actually feel animosity radiating off of them occasionally. and now, the inactivity of christians (or their activity in what i consider to be not so important areas) has totally distorted people's view of christianity. These people here don't know the compassionate Jesus that loved the "rejects of society," that went against social norms and talked to a samaritan woman or stood up for a woman accused of adultery. They don't know the man that said, look you might be "righteous" and follow all the laws but you don't have any compassion and so you have it all wrong. they don't know the man that was infinitely concerned about the "least of these", and they don't know this man's disciples. All they see are christian teachers of the law that are caught up in self righteousness and dont have compassion. when they think christian, they don't associate it with giving, caring, loving... and that made me so sad today listening to people in my class... i didnt know what i wanted to say until after the discussion had passed... even then, they had never said anything truly overtly against christianity and so it would have been awkward for me to start "preaching." i mean, it was the middle of class and we were talking about America's involvement in HIV/AIDS treatment and prevention abroad. It finally lead to christianity b/c Bush claims Christianity and he's the one that's pushing the ABC program, which is abstinence, being faithful, and use condoms... but the program places a lot more emphasis on the first 2, which i believe in, but i believe in equal emphasis on the condom part too for lots of reasons i'm not going to type now. so. the class was very disheartening.

i just wanted them to know that the Way of Jesus is a radical way of LOVE. and yeah, there's things we do and we don't do, but it's in love. because we love God and because we love others.

1 Year

One year and seven days ago I moved to San Francisco. One year and five days ago I was wondering what in the world I was doing here and whether or not I should run back to the South. One year and 4 days ago I was feeling better about the situation (finding an apartment helped). One year ago today marks my official hire date, and one year ago tomorrow marks my first day at work.

This year has been so different for me in so many ways. Being a grown-up is pretty hard work. Plus I moved to a completely different place very far away from home with a very different culture. I learned how to use public transportation. I started my job as a nurse, which is when the learning really begins. I learned how to switch back and forth between night shift and day shift every 4 weeks. I learned that I am week and need support and to be spiritually fed. I learned what it feels like to miss church on Sundays about twice a month because I had to work. I learned what it feels like not to have a church home.

Praise God that year is over!

There were good times too. I think San Francisco is a really neat city, and it's really weird. There are things that I see here that I assume you don't see anywhere else.

Now I'm in graduate school, and I finally feel like I'm not spinning my wheels and completely lost, but I also feel frustrated because school and work consume nearly all of my time. But it's only 2 years. People have done it before. I can do anything for 2 years.

Emotional Wreckage

I am so stressed out right now between school and work... mostly work. Things are really intense and frustrating because we're being audited by the state. I'm so tense, and I find myself walking and realize that my shoulders are all scrunched up towards my neck, and I have to force myself to put them down. I start crying at the drop of a dime.... I turned on a League of thier Own to help me relax a bit before I get down to studying and I started crying when the girls made the team! What in the world is that?! I've seen this movie a bunch of times, and I've never cried at that before. I can't handle this. Hopefully I'll be all cried out soon. It's so draining! I'm tired.

My Birthday

This is me at my costume birthday party. Can you guess who I was suppose to be? The pose is just me being silly and not at all a part of the costume. The shaw isn't part of the costume either.

so

There's a new guy at work. He's really hot. And nice. We made friends.

He's gay.

Oh the woes of living in San Francisco!

Question

Can we really say that God guides us somewhere? I mean at the end of the day, it could definitely be our own selfish (or unselfish) desires that have led us to whatever conclusion or place. One person feels like God led her to sell everything and give to the poor, and the next person feels like God led her to the perfect house to buy with 5 bedrooms and 3.5 baths. One person feels like God is leading him to stay in America and another person feels God leading him to live in Asia. God leads one person to the perfect shade of blue SUV and another person to the perfect university or the perfect church or the perfect... whatever. If I chose to do something and then do it, can I really say God lead me to it?

I think

that there are many decisions and paths we can take, and God can bless us in a variety of ways. He can enable us to venture in many directions without a certain direction being wrong.

I think

that I get a little uneasy when I hear people saying that God led them to something or made something happen, because I often don't feel like I see a whole lot of God in the choice. It's not that I see satan in the choice.... but I see some filters that the person is wearing, and the person is choosing something because she wants it. Not because God wants it (even though he can still bless it), but she wants it.

I guess we all do it in different ways....

I'm more inclined to say after the fact that God opened whatever doors, but that might just may be my own desire to see the situation as such.

So when is God really leading, and when am I really leading?

1 Cor 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

cool.

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I like that verse, and I wish it for you and me today.

Zimbabwe

This article, Secret Lives, in The Observer Magazine has an awesome article about what's going on in Zimbabwe. Please read and look at the pictures!

What happens

when 10 or 20 yrs of your life are gone from your memories? What happens when you can't remember where you live and who takes care of you? What happens when you think your husband is still alive, when you don't recognize your only son? What happens when you can't figure out why you're somewhere or where you're going on a walk to? What happens when you can't even go out to dinner because it messes up your routine so bad that you can't remember basically anything for days? What happens when you can't remember your grandchildren or great grand children? What happens when you realize that your biggest fear is coming true? Do you realize that it's coming true? Are you really aware that you are losing your mind, your memories? Does your mind race in confusion and fear when you can't figure out which room you live in or why no one is coming to get you? Or is it nicer and you just blissfully don't know what's going on? I think it's scary, and I think you just don't talk about it because you're embarrassed, and you know that you should know what's going on. I think that it must be one of the most terrifying things that could happen to you. If it was your body going bad you could at least look forward to dying and going to heaven, but when it's your mind going bad, you can be trapped in complete confusion for years.

I miss Ganny. She's been forgetful for most of my life, but I remember the times when I could hang out with her, and she might repeat stories you've heard a million times in your life, but she generally would not repeat the same story in a visit or would only repeat it once. Last time I saw her she was like a broken record that you couldn't get to stop. She was literally finishing a sentence and then starting the same one all over again. I'd try and change the conversation to get her on a different track, but it was really hard. It's hard to spend time with her now. It's frustrating. It's sad. And I haven't even been around her lately, when she has been completely confused and doesn't know where she lives or who people are.

My parents must be really strong. I want to be like them. I hope that they don't ever need the kind of care that Ganny needs, but if they do, I wanna take care of them. Granted, I'll be moving them to Africa so I can do that, but I guess they won't know the difference at that point anyways. :)

A World Away???

Can you imagine?

Read this article from the New York Times:

Influx From Zimbabwe to South Africa Tests Both

Can you imagine an inflation rate so high that you suddenly find your monthly salary worth $2? I can't. I can try, but I'm sure that what I'm imagining as I type on my computer on my couch while watching TV in my comfy apartment is nowhere close to the reality.